The Diary of a Wizard – Week Fifty One

Hey friend! Next week is the big year edition of my magical memoir, The Diary of a Wizard, week 52! To celebrate, I’m bringing you a super duper, epic, 2-part special edition. I’m exciteder than an ecstatic, electric eel, earnestly earwigging an elephant’s extraordinary extravaganza, I can tell ya.

Dark forces are at work in The Enchanted Woods and it’s up to me, and a few of my friends to stop them. This will be my toughest challenge yet! Dun Dun Duuuun!!!!

Dark Forces Part 1: Day One

I awokened to breaking glass at 3am. It sounded a lot like someone was getting into my cottage. I jumped out of bed, grabbing my trusty sword in one hand and my staff in the other. Doing a floaty, just off the groundy spell, I floated just off the ground so my footsteps, wouldn’t make a sound.

I made my way silently through the house. Using my seey in the dark spell, I could see in the dark perfectly. I surveyed every room, but everything was quiet. Had I imagined the sound?

Then I heard it, a scratchy sound coming from the kitchen. With that I surged forward bursting through the door. I cast a really bright spotlighty spell, raising my sword aloft. Standing startled were 7 undead warrior skeletons, each carrying the slashes in their bones of battle. Each loaded with weaponry, axes and swords and spears.

I could little afford for them to regain their senses so I attacked, before they could blink—well they haven’t got eyelids, but you know what I mean. I swooped my sword with a mighty swoosh, removing one bony head from one bony body in an instant. I spun around, down low sweeping bony legs away and taking down 2 of my deadly foes. I jumped on top of the nearest one, grabbing its skull in my hands. I twisted, it cracked, and then fell off, its head of course I mean. I sprang back to my feet, evading the skeleton’s clumsy attack, and launched one of my own. Though mine was not clumsy, it was accurate and deadly. Two more of my attackers fell, to my blade and the last of them to my turn bones into ashy spell and well, it turned their bones into ash.

I looked out the window and I could see them. There were hordes of these things. They were scurrying in the shadows, hiding behind the trees and bushes surrounding my home.

I needed to get out of here, so I whistled loud and shrill for my trusty magical steed Billy, the oversized talking cockney mountain goat, but he was nowhere to be seen. That means, I’ll have to do legs and run.

I need some help, and I know just who to turn to, my best friend and 500-year old cave witch, Caladium Crane. I’ll head for her cave and mystic mind message ahead to get her to come and meet me. I’ve gotta go…

Dark Forces Part 1: Day Two

I travelled through the night, fighting and running, still with the undead warrior skeletons on my tail—well, I haven’t got a tail, but you know what I mean. As the sun was cracking the sky, a huge silhouette appeared ahead of me. There was a fearsome cry, followed by an even fearsomer one. It was Caladium and her battle anonymoose coming rumbling towards me. There was a swooping sound, and high atop her moose, Caladium was swinging a mace with enormous spikes on it around her head. As she approached the undead warrior skeletons, she unleashed her mighty weapon with fury. Quickly cracking skulls, and caving in heads. I stood my ground taking out any that got close as she and her moose charged the perimeter. The moose goring and trampling the skeletons, her crushing bones to dust with her mace. Now there was some room, she reached down an arm for mine, I grabbed it and jumped up onto the back of the battle moose. We charged off, back towards her cave.

I was certain the skeletons would find me again, but we had put enough distance between us and them to have some food and perhaps I can catch some winks tonight.

Dark Forces Part 1: Day Three

We didn’t catch too many winks and were finally surrounded by undead warrior skeletons. We fought our way out of the cave, removing heads from bodies swiftly. We rushed round the back and climbed up upon the rocks. From our now lofty position, not only could the skeletons not follow us—obviously bones are lame for climbing. Skin really helps for like, traction and stuff—we could see the darkest of shadows, drowning out the sun, surrounding an island in it’s dreaded cloak-like gloom. For a moment frozen in time, calling out in harrowing poetry, crying in the night, but for no saviour to hear. Screaming for salvation from the shadowy evil that now consumed it. The Isle of Black Mountain! Smoke poured from its volcanous peak, spewing its fiery fury skyward, almost beckoning, with long tendrils of the blackest smoke. It called to me, it whispered my name upon the bitter breeze. The Isle of Black Mountain was where I must go, it’s where my fate lies. It will either be my prize or alas, my doom.

“Caladium, I need to reach The Isle of Black Mountain. That means I must get to Smugglers Cove. I know a band of Viking marauders there. Kallista will take me to the island.” I met Kallista and the Viking marauders back in week 29 check it out here if you missed it.

“Right got it. Me and my battle anonymoose will take you to Smugglers Cove. My moose doesn’t just plod around though. He doesn’t walk the length and breadth of the Enchanted Woods on foot. This isn’t a high fantasy, you know.”

“Don’t worry my friend, he’ll have many undead warrior skeletons to trample or gore along our treacherous path.”

“Well, that alright then. Let’s go.”

There wasn’t a moment we were not hunted by our foe as we went. Many hundreds, following us with blood hound determination. Never growing tired, never slowing down, relentlessly coming. It was clear these skeletons were assassins, sent to help me pop me clogs or kick the bucket, cursed by a haunting force, a force of the purest darkness. We took out hordes of them as we went and finally, the number started to dwindle.

While awake we fought, when asleep, the battle moose kept us safe. I mean it’s basically the tank of the fantasy animal kingdom, and it is more than happy to crush bones and eat the occasional fae. We caught scattered winks when we could but with such a distance to travel there was no time to stop and make camp.

Dark Forces Part 1: Day Four

Awokening somewhere near dawn’s crack, now the battle moose was slowing. A deadly and powerful animal indeed, but with the weight of 2 passengers, eventually it needed some rest. We stopped near the river. The moose fell asleep quickly, but now Caladium and I have to guard our spot. A few skeletons came from the bushes but by now there were few of them. Between the 3 of us we had laid waste to most of them and soon enough, the last of them.

If I thought we could take a breather a that point, I couldn’t have been more wrong. The trees above started to rustle and sway. I caught a glimpse of a figure, donned in black, moving quickly and almost silently through the canopy.

“Beware my friend. Ninjas!” I pointed up.

Suddenly they dropped down from the trees, a dozen or more, and from behind us they burst from the river, their swords glistening in the light. We were surrounded by deadly assassins and every second they came closer, menacing in their skilful movements. They rushed us all at once.

I created a bubble shieldy spell behind us, blocking the attack from the rear. Caladium’s mace knocking on rushers, scattering to the forest floor. I wielded my sword against the rest removing ninja heads from ninja bodies. The ninjas swarmed again, well, those that remained, and Caladium brandished her weapon expertly and true to the sound of crunching bones and blood curdling screams.

From above, in the trees more ninjas appeared, throwing their deadly throwing stars down upon us. I jumped and spun around like a tornado, knocking them out of the air with my blade.

“Caladium, you take the ones down here. I’m gonna take to the trees.”

I did a climby squirraly spell and shot up the tree’s mighty bough. With nimble feet I scurried and jumped from branch to branch, running ninjas through, or chopping off their heads, or kicking them out the tree for Caladium to pounce upon. Before long, the last of them had fallen to our deadly warriorship, at last, we could rest.

We ate a hearty meal of ninja steak, Caladium insisted, and I just do whatever to keep her happy. Finally, the moose stirred from its slumber, and we were ready to hit the dusty trail and make for Smugglers Cove. We knew all too well that more enemies would come for us. There’s no way their gonna give up now.

Dark Forces Part 1: Day Five

The sun cracked the sky as we continued along to a bright and beautiful day. But soon enough the sun was blotted out by a black cloud.

“Wow, the weather turned quicky.” I pointed out.

“Wait, that’s not the weather. They’re crows.”

“Wait, they’re not just any crows, their vampire battle crows!”

“Quick, get off the moose and grab some sticks. My mace and your sword are useless against these things. We need wooden stakes.”

I have just the thing. Powerful magic swirled all around us and in a puff of blue smoke a bow and many arrows appeared in Caladium’s hands. The arrow points were wooden. In my hands came many wooden throwing darts now we had the perfect weapons against this deadly foe.

They hovered above, like a shadow drowning out the light, then they swarmed.

First, I used magic as our defence and turned 4/11ths of them from vampire battle crows, to vegan pacifist pigeons. Instead of joining the attack, they started protesting the violence.

Our weapons flew as the crows swooped in, each tryna attach themselves to us, to suck our blood. Expertly, the darts and the arrows did their job. With each crow hit, they exploded into a puff of smoke and disappeared. We took them out in their hundreds but for every one we killed there were three more.

“Quick, give me your phone.” Caladium yelled.

I reached into my robes and handed it to her. She put it to her ear and muttered some stuff, I couldn’t quite catch. She informed me that we’d need to fight these fiendish sky monsters for about 20-25 minutes. I just shrugged and carried on being a badass wizard. After all these years, I’ve stopped asking questions.

Anyway, 23 minutes passed, and I heard an approaching moped. It pulled up right next to our moose, handed Caladium 6 boxes and drove off. She opened the boxes and almost instantly the vampire battle crows disappeared and dispersed.

“What’s in the boxes then?”

“Garlic bread. Vampire battle crows hate garlic bread. Do you want some? I’m not the biggest fan. I prefer tadpole bread myself.”

“Ingenious! Sure, we should eat it because our garlic breath will protect us, should they attack us again.”

We ate food most hearty and then settled down for sleepy byes. There’s a chance we may get some winks tonight.

Dark Forces Part 1: Day Six

We awokened with a start, somewhere shortly after dawn’s crack. The was a fearsome snarl, and many footsteps. We jumped up, weapons in hand, ready.

It wasn’t long before Caladium’s amazing eye for such things, spotted our latest foe.

“Honey Badgers!” she said.

“Angry assassin honey badgers!” I said back.

They were upon us in an instant, snarling and dribbling, wearing a metal harness. They ducked their heads and spikes came flying out. The angry assassin honey badgers had weapons too! This is crazy. We both rolled from the path of the deadly projectiles leaving them dug deep in the trees around us.

Then tiny missiles fired out from the sides of the metal harness. Only a forcefieldy deflecty spell stopped us from getting blown to kingdom come, wherever that is.

Caladium crouched low and started talking in strange tongues towards the ground. “Give it about 5 minutes,” she said.

“What did you do now?”

“Oh, if we’re up against an army of angry assassin honey badgers, we needed an army of our own.”

“What?”

“Wait for it.”

“Wait for what?”

“Wait for it…”

“I have been waiting.”

“And… Now!”

Suddenly the badgers started twitching and itching, and then they turned their attention, from us, to the ants, that were by now all over them and in the early stages of stripping them to the bone.

“I enchanted the ants, so they become an unstoppable army.”

“Ingenious again!” I mean, it’s pretty grisly, watching, like, 67 honey badgers getting slowly eaten alive, but it’s way better than me getting assassinated I guess, and Caladium, well, she’s over the moon about it of course.

We left the ants to finish the job, much to my friend’s disappointment. It was gonna take a good five hours for them to die in the most horrendous way imaginable. We camped under the rocks, there’s bound to be more stuff coming to get us, and at least this way, they can’t surround us. Smugglers Cove is close now. We should reach there in the morrow if we don’t croak it first!

Dark Forces Part 1: Day Seven

We left bright and breezy. The path made us nervous on account of us being surrounded by bushes. An ambush is far more likely when there’s actual bushes nearby, ya see. Luckily, for now we evaded any unwelcome distractions. The battle moose took us on, avoiding the quicksand expertly and skipping silently past the lake full of hungry alligators. Finally, the smell of the ocean hit us.

The cove is just over yonder (I pointed then, you just couldn’t see it).

We arrived at the beach and made camp there. At last, we had made it.

We settled down to get some rest, and then deep in the night from the sand emerged short squat figures, that seemed to be made out of metal.

“Robots!” I said.

“Murderous goblin robots!!” Caladium said back.

We readied our weapons and started to fight back our assailants. We could defeat them with magic or our battling skills, but they wouldn’t stop. They kept on coming over and over. Throughout the night, the sounds of battle rang out to sea. There’s no chance we’ll get any winks tonight. We can only hope Kallista and the Viking marauders arrive bright and breezy in the morrow, or my goose may well be cooked!

Come back next week for the happy anniversary edition and enthralling ending in, Dark Forces: Part 2.

See ya next week friend!

Barry S. Brunswick is an Author and Best Selling Poet.
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