Hey friend! Welcome to the 1 year anniversary edition of The Diary of a Wizard!! Woop woop!! This a 2-part special so if you missed part 1 click here to check it out now.
Last time I saw you, me and my best friend and 500-year-old cave witch, Caladium Crane were fighting off murderous goblin robots by Smugglers Cove! Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnn!!
Dark Forces Part 2: Day One Diary of a Wizard
The murderous goblin robots although bested by our superior skills and magic, just wouldn’t get dead, and even if we got them dead, there was no way they were staying dead. We were starting to tire with no end to this battle in sight. We had fought all night and into the morning, until we were more pooped than a puffed out pufferfish, I can tell ya.
By mid-morning we were starting to wear out but luckily for us that was when Kallista and the Viking marauder’s longship came into welcome view with its magnificent dragon’s head on the bow.
Kallista shouted loud and true. “Wade out into the water. The salt will cease up their metal bits.”
“Ingenious!” I replied. We wasted no time and soon Caladium, her battle moose and me, were up to our necks in salty brine. Sure enough, before long the murderous goblin robots started to rust, and all their joints ceased up.
“Now, I’ll come out and get you.” Kallista jumped into the rowing boat and made her way towards us.
“Will the moose fit on the boat?” Caladium asked.
“No, no, he won’t.”
“Oh, I’ll get him to walk home then and I’ll come.”
I put a hand upon her shoulder and looked her in the eyes. “Caladium, my wonderful and slightly psychotic friend, I know that you would come with me to the very fires of Black Mountain, but this is a journey I must make alone.”
She did an exaggerated yawning gesture. “Boorrriiinnnggg!”
“I know, but destiny calls me, my journey will not end until I reach the peak. Maybe I shall return, maybe I shall not.”
“Wait, you will return, won’t you?”
“Well, I hope so.”
“Make sure you do. I hate everyone but you. You let me be me and don’t care if I just eat stuff raw or accidently kill a pixie or something.”
“I love you, just the way you are my friend. Now return to the shore. The assassins were after my head, not yours. You will be safe now.”
“Okay,” she lingered on the word, like an 8 year-old that’s just admitted defeat when their tryna get their parents to buy them something, complete with slumped shoulders and everything. “I guess, I’ll go then. You be careful, okay?”
“Of course, I’m a wizard remember!”
We hugged and both of us fought back tears with all our might. I watched her and her moose wade back to shore and ride off into The Enchanted Woods, while I waved the whole time. Caladium’s destiny and my own, now lay on 2 separate paths.
I got aboard the ship and got reacquainted with the crew to much merriment. It was wonderful to see my old friends again, but I couldn’t stay up too late after battling for an entire week. I found myself a quiet hammock and now I’ll try and get many winks, while the marauders aggressively party on deck.
Dark Forces Part 2: Day Two
We sailed through the night and I awokened to the morning. While there is no finer thing than a dawn’s crack out on the foamy yonder, in the distance smoke poured from Black Mountain. Clouds hung around, flashing with wild lightning strikes, the rain falling in sheets. Ominous and foreboading, once again it called to me, whispering my name like a growl on the wind.
Onward the wind blew us out towards the island.
It was the mid afternoon before something happened. First the water all around the boat started to bubble, slowly at first, but soon it was like 1000 people farting in a hot tub, the bubbles were so fierce. Long windy arms reached up from the depths and began to climb the side of the boat.
“Octopuses!” Kallista said.
“12-foot octopus men!!” I said back.
The order was yelled loud, and the marauders took up arms. Countless 12-foot octopus men clambered on board the ship. Each armed with actual arms and other arms, like swords and stuff. The mighty ship rocked under their weight. If they don’t cut us to pieces, they’ll sink the ship!
I have an idea. I magicked a bubble around my head and dived into the drink. There I called long and loud and soon a huge and menacing shadow appeared below me. It was my old friend, the Kraken. I met her back in week 2 and again just back in week 48. They may well be 12-foot octopus, men but she’s a 37-foot kraken, that’ll strike fear into their hearts in an instant.
She burst from the waves, plucking off our foes with her tenticals and crushing them one after another, screaming wildly in her beak. All the commotion made the sharks come in. That was when it was time for me to get out of the water.
Kallista the marauders and I, simply needed to throw the 12-foot octopus men back into the water and then let nature take its course. It wasn’t long until the deck was clear of our deadly enemies. Amongst harrowing screams of first, fear and then, agony, soon the kraken was full and the sharks had eaten their fill. All that remained was seagulls squabbling over the little gross bits that remained.
After the battle we made merry into the night. They said they were celebrating their victory, but they’d celebrate the afternoon if there was no other reason, when it comes down to it. Time to catch some winks.
Dark Forces Part 2: Day Three
I awokened not so bright and breezy with a fuzzy head. The hard-partying Viking marauders will be the death of me, I can tell ya.
We sailed through the morning and with the going this good, I’ll make The Isle of Black Mountain in the morrow.
Just after high noon, the weather started to change. Black clouds rolled in, and the wind howled fiercely. Soon the waves were crashing against the bow and the longboat was being tossed unceremoniously around. We hung on for dear life as the sea started swirling around. The boat was spinning out of control.
Then like someone had pulled the plug from the bottom of the ocean, an enormous whirlpool caught us in its grasp. I saw a tinge of purple upon the water’s surface and was instantly filled with shock, like I’d stuck my fingers in a plug socket, only shockeder than that even. This was wizard magic! And not only was it wizard magic but it was wizard magic from my book of sea spells that went missing back in week 29!!!! Check it out here if you missed it.
I may have lost my book, but I remember a few of the spells and the most important one, the spell to block this whirlpool spell. I raised my staff aloft and said the magic words, words so secret that if I was to write them here, The Grand High Wizard himself would turn me into a hedgehog. The forces of nature swirled around me, and mighty power surged through me. I put my staff into the water and wizarded for all I worth, but whoever else was wizarding, wizarded back. We were locked in a wizardy battle, wizarding wizardry back and forth. I screamed out another incantation making my blocker spell, even blockier with a boosting blocky spell spell. At last I could feel my will winning and I wizarded better than my mysterious yet powerful opponent. Soon the water stopped whirling and the wind stopped swirling and the boat stopped curling (okay, that one was pushing it) and the weather calmed. Now we were just left with a stiff breeze in our sails.
I’ll make the Isle of Black Mountain early in the morrow, if the wind stays true. I’m a bit of a nervous nelly and more jittery than a jiggling jackrabbit, if I’m honest. My foe is a powerful one, and full of the darkest of intent. They have sent armies, assassins even honey badgers to stop me. This will be a stern test indeed.
Dark Forces Part 2: Day Four
It was a bit after dawn’s crack by the time I took the rowing boat alone to shore. Kallista offered her and the marauders considerable fighting skills and to come with me, but this battle won’t be one of sword, it will be one of magic.
Even after the sun came up, the sky above The Isle of Black Mountain was dark. The sand was black ash and the heat from the mountain radiated across the island and through my robes. I made my way across the jagged rocks, sweating buckets as I went, and all the way to the foot of the fearsome and treacherous Black Mountain. Magma bubbled within its mighty peak. The storm above crashed and the rain teamed down. It was like the island itself wanted my soul. Nevertheless, I started to climb.
Onwards I went, through the day, fighting the weather and the treacherous mountain all the way. Finally, as the sun sank beneath the horizon, I made the mighty peak. The heat was incredible. At the top a hole in the peak was filled with its molten soup. Any slip and I was sure to be a gonna.
The only way across was a dangerous narrow stone bridge that passed right over the top of the magma. I had no choice, I stepped onto it and carefully started inching my way across.
Though it was dark, the fiery glow of the magma below meant I could see and what I saw was a large animal stepping out in front of me.
“Billy?” Yes, that’s right, Billy the oversized talking cockney mountain goat.
“I’m ‘ere to pulverise you, wizard. I’ve been plotting this forever.”
“What? I’ve been good to you, why?”
“I’ll become immortal if I take you out, mate. The Dark Wizard promised me.”
“The Dark Wizard!”
“You av ta worry about me, before you worry ‘bout ‘im pal!”
“Not if I turn you into a hedgehog first!” I tried to turn him into a hedgehog.
“Ha ha! You forget. Us wizard’s steeds are immune to our wizard’s wizardry so you don’t accidently turn us into stuff.”
He was right. Now I’ve got a problem. He’s far better at mountaineering than me, and he has big old horns. He charged at me.
I closed my eyes and waited to be bashed off the bridge with a bump and a boink but suddenly, I heard hooves thundering behind me. Then a white flash streaked past me. It was my ex trusty magical steed, Horace the unicorn! The two steeds clashed with a bone crunching crunch. Billy’s curly goat horns were no match for Horace’s magical unicorn horn. With a mighty cockney scream, Billy fell into the volcano. “Bllliiimmmeeeyyy!” he went.
I ran over and hugged Horace. He had clearly saved my life.
We crossed the bridge together just as we always should have. We found a safe ledge and chatted long into the night, we’ll try and somehow catch some winks. I must face the Dark Wizard in the morrow.
Dark Forces Part 2: Day Five
We awokened after very few winks. The mission called to me, hanging heavy round my neck. Lurking like a monster in the shadows, awaiting in its rage, for its moment to strike. Fear lingered and swirled in my soul, yet it was fear that I must swallow. The time had come to find my nemesis.
“Horace, I’ll be back. You should wait here.”
“But I’m your trusty magical steed.”
“That you are my friend, that you are, but I will need you to take me home when this is over. The wizard, battles wizards and the steed, steeds. I’ll be back soon.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
I left Horace behind and struggled to the highest point of the mountain. There was an entrance, dark and looming. I could feel the power surging from within. I swallowed my fear, took a deep breath, and stepped inside. Immediately, the darkness swallowed me whole.
I made a glowy staffy spell and with the light to guide me, I went further inside. Soon, I heard strange whispers, coming from a cavern. I went in, crouching low so as not to be seen. Creeping silently in the darkness I saw him, The Dark Wizard! He was standing over a plinth with a bowl on the top of it, wizarding the darkest wizardry.
“Ah, at last, you’re here. I have been waiting for you.” The Dark Wizard’s words caught me surprise. How did he know I was here? They chilled me to my soul said so coldly, they left icicles on my beard. I was left with no choice. The element of stealth was lost to me now. I stood up and stepped into the cavern. At last, after so long, I was face to face with my foe.
We eyeballed each other for a moment. He stood tall and thin, his head bald on top, with curtains of straggly hair dangling down the sides. His beard was long and wispy and scraggly, and his moustache was like a limp white caterpillar had died upon his upper lip. His skin was grey-blue, like he had died and decomposed for like, 6 months, before waking up and going about his day. His robes were black like shadows, like they were the grim reaper’s hand-me-downs. But the worst thing about the ugly old goat, was his eyes. They were yellowing, without the sparkle of life that decent people, or wizards for that matter have.
And then, the battle was on.
I raised my staff, he raised his, and magic flew. He flung flashes of wicked wizardry my way and I flicked wonderous wizardry back. There were explosions all around and the ground rumbled with the power. He knocked me off my feet with an explodey sweepy spell, but I jumped back up and hit him with a puffy trippy spell and he fell on his butt on the rocks dropping his staff. Now I cast a grabby throaty spell and he struggled to free himself, but without his staff he was totally weak and weedy. I had this fiend right where I wanted him.
He reached into his robes and to my horror he pulled out a magic acorn, in fact my magic acorn that went missing back in week 25. He rolled it beneath me and in a puff of smoke, I was frozen solid stiff.
“Now I have you wizard.” He cackled as he took my staff from my hand and the sword from my belt. “In the morrow, I will drain your power and make myself twice as powerful!”
He summoned two enormous cave trolls who carried me down the windy stairs and locked me in the dungeon. Now I’m trapped and the freezy spell takes ages to ware off. I may as well catch some winks but to be frank, I’m in a bit of a pickle and a spot of bother too!
Dark Forces Part 2: Day Six
The freezy spell wore off what I can only assume was before dawn’s crack. I was awake. I have a little surprise for The Dark Wizard, I have a little something hidden somewhere on my person where the trolls would never find it, well not without a latex glove, some lube and a flashlight anyway. It was few hours before the trolls came to get me, I was clapped in irons and taken to the main chamber where The Dark Wizard, and I had done battle the day before. I stared at his ugly face, but then it was making me feel a bit sick, so I stopped.
“First,” he croned. “I’ll hook myself up to this magical power sucky outty machine I made. It’s powered by the black crystal and some of the darkest wizardry. Then I’ll hook you up, then kabam! I’ll take all your power and be two times more powerfuller. Then the Enchanted Woods will be mine to control. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” He finished with a stereotypical evil comic book character laugh. They always find weird stuff funny.
I pretended to be scared, shook a little bit in my pointy boots, for show. I watched on as The Dark Wizard hooked himself up to the magical power sucky outty machine. With a wicked smirk, I slipped the magic acorn out of my sleeve and into my hand. I shoulder charged the troll to my right, knocking it flying and then again to the one to my left, sending it sprawling. I threw the acorn and froze my foe solid. I flicked the switch on the magical power sucky outty machine and with a crackle it burst into life. Slowly, The Dark Wizard’s power was sucked right out of him. Really slowly and painfully so he screamed a whole lot. Glad that didn’t happen to me, to be honest. The trolls regained their feet groggily just as I reached my staff and magicked away my restraints. They surrendered immediately. They didn’t like that bloke anyway, he’s a total tool, so no way they were taking on a wizard for him.
After a whole bunch of time, finally, the magical power sucky outty machine had removed all The Dark Wizard’s power. Now he was just a weedily weak, really old dude. He’s so weak he’ll struggle to stir his tea now. I guess all that being mean takes it out of ya in the end, a lesson indeed for us all. I’ll just leave him here to dwell out his remaining days, on his own and I’ll take that machine away from him and my book of sea spells. I’m battered, bruised, beaten, bloodied, and bashed, but again, The Enchanted Woods are safe.
I stumbled back to my real trusty magical steed, Horace, and he carried me back down the mountain, while I caught some winks on his back. I was safe and sound in the knowledge, no matter what happened, Horace and I would face it once again, together, like it always should have been.
Dark Forces Part 2: Day Seven
Come morning Horace and I were chilling on the beach, while the black smoke rose above us. I have many bruises and scrapes and few bumps too, but staring out to sea brings me some tranquillity. It gives me a moment to reflect. After facing, undead warrior skeletons, ninjas, vampire battle crows, angry assassin honey badgers, murderous goblin robots, 12-foot octopus men, a sea spell, Billy, the treacherous and now totally brown bread (dead), oversized talking cockney mountain goat, 2 trolls and The Dark Wizard, I’ve done pretty well. I thought I was marching towards my fate, but alas it seems my fate found me. Now the darkest of times have been avoided, but the real story is, me and Horace are back together. And most importantly, I have wonderful friends. With the forces of good and all of us together The Enchanted Woods is well protected. Talking of wonderful friends, I hope my messenger seagull reaches Kallista soon. This island really sucks.
It’s been quite the year for this wizard, and the next will maybe be even more insane. I want to thank you, the person reading this, because without you, there wouldn’t be any point of any of this. I’d just be a wizard, doing all this mad stuff and not telling anyone about it.
I thank you for your support and your time and wish you light and happiness wherever you may go.
See ya next year friend!
Barry S. Brunswick is an Author and Best Selling Poet.
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Dreamland Part 1 – The Fabric of Dreams
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Dreamland Part 3 – The Veil of Shadow
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