Hey friend,
Welcome to the funny fantasy blog where anything can and really does happen, The Diary of a Wizard. This week it’s part 2 of a two-part adventure about a wise old owl and a precious stone with magical properties he seeks. If you missed part 1, check it out here. Anyway, the trouble is, the Dark Wizard has this precious stone with magical properties, and he is a fearsome and worthy opponent indeed. I’ll need all the luck I can get!
****
The Enchanted Woods lay deep and spooky as we trekked right through the day and then the night. There was little time to rest as tangling with the Dark Wizard was on our minds. Owlie made fantastic company so old and wise was he. We talked for many hours. The Dark Wizard’s fortress was a two-day mooch from the mountain and the cave where the ogre dwells that we left far behind.
Finally, after much toil and hardship we reached the edge of the trees. Ahead on a jagged cliff, was the Dark Wizard’s fortress. Dark wizards always live in fortresses far away, for, so dark are their hearts, that they love to make postal workers and delivery drivers slave for their pennies.
Now between us and our quarry lay an expanse of stone, deadness and gloominess that we had to cross to reach the jagged cliff. Within reach of the Dark Wizard’s evil, trees and flowers cannot grow, you see.
We crept sneakily forward, lest we be unprepared for any Dark Wizardy tricks and spells. He was sure to have wicked spies everywhere, guarding his haunted realm. This was a place where most would fear to tread, but not I, a mighty wizard. Okay, maybe I was little bit scared, but Owlie didn’t seem to be.
“We should stop and rest behind these rocks,” Owlie suggested. “Then we can reach the fortress under cover of night.”
“Great idea,” I said. There goes Owlie proving once again that he is indeed old and wise. “It’ll be better if the Dark Wizard doesn’t spot us via one of his sneaky spyers that spy. Let us catch some winks until the sun vanishes yonder.”
We had a few hours of sleepy time and caught about 17 winks, which was frankly welcome after journeying so far. I’d nearly worn out my pointy boots, let me tell you.
****
We awoke just as night was falling and made our way carefully to the foot of the enormous jagged cliff. Normally, I’d climb it but as I was with Owlie, I figured if I shrank him to a tiny size and myself to an even tinier size, not only would we be very hard to spot and rumble, but he could fly me up to the top. That’d save the old arms a tad.
Sure enough, after an extraordinary amount of wonderous wizardry, Owlie was a tiny size, and I was an even tinier one. I scrabbled up onto his back and like a bird, he took to the sky, which is pretty normal when you are indeed, a bird.
As we approached the top we noticed there was no easy way inside, which I suppose is the whole point of a fortress. So, we landed atop the cliff and searched for a way in.
There we spotted the answer to our conundrum—a small overflow pipe poking out the dungeon wall. We went into the pipe and the smell of dampy dankness hit us in the nostrils. That told us that this was not a place you should ever wish to visit.
We scurried, because tiny things always scurry, through the pipe until we came to the dungeon and an ominous sight. There, chained to the wall were skeletons of former prisoners where they’d clearly been tortured to deadness. The evidence was apparent and frankly, horrific. There was a long luxuriant tickling feather discarded on the stony floor. Those poor souls, be they ogre, goblin, troll, giant, fae or man, had been tickled to deadness. This is the most terrible and unimaginable end. This just made us even more cautious and determined. It was clear that we were dealing with the most wicked of evilness in the Dark Wizard.
Being tiny, we slipped through the bars of the cell and flew to the top of the windy staircase hoping to avoid the guards that were sure to be in wait for intruders such as Owlie and I. Strangely, there was not a soul to be found in that, the most wretched of places.
We flapped about the fortress for quite some time in search of the Dark Wizard and anyone at all, really. It was eerily quiet. Eventually we heard a voice from behind a big wooden door.
Being so tiny and all, we simply slipped beneath the door and that was when we found the guards. They were all also shrunken to a tiny size to our surprise. That meant we were easier to spot than we’d anticipated. We were rumbled and surrounded. In the corner, laughing a terrible cackle that filled our hearts with dread was our enemy, the Dark Wizard.
At a glance it appeared there were 107 goblins with spears, 33 dwarf archers, 11 trolls with clubs and a brownie playing the piccolo.
With no time to think, I uttered some wonderous wizardry and both myself and Owlie grew back to our normal size.
“I’ll get em with my talons,” Owlie hooted.
“Wait I have a better idea.”
I shut my eyes for but a second, raised my staff aloft, and gave Owlie my magic dragon power. With that he puffed fiery balls out of his beak down onto the unsuspecting army. Many of them were crisped into barbecue and several more I squished to pancakes underfoot.
But the Dark Wizard was a wily opponent indeed and he quickly started to make his guards grow back to their normal size too, so it would be a fair fight. We took out as many as we could before they did so. I even used my staff to fling them across the room and into the wall like bowling skittles, but still in the end, alas, we were surrounded with spear points pressed up against our squishy fleshy parts. With Owlie taking to my shoulder I handed over my staff. We had no choice but to surrender.
****
The Dark Wizard cackled more than ever, a cackle that made our hearts sink in abject defeat. Surely soon we would be tickled to deadness, or something else not quite so unpleasant.
“Mister Wizard,” the Dark Wizard said. “At last! I have you in my clutches. Now soon I shall set my ticklers upon you. You will be tickled…
It was just what I feared!
“Until you cry and your face hurts. Next, you shall be tickled further until your stomach hurts. Then you will be tickled until you pee your pants…
Oh, shucks and good grief, that will hurt as well as be embarrassing!
“And finally, you will be tickled until you laugh so much your sides will split and deadness will follow, soon thereafter!”
Never has a wizard been so cruel as that fiend!
“How did you know we were coming?” I asked desperately to buy some time.
He reached into his robes and held aloft the stone with magical properties. “I used this.” He cackled the most ever.
“But that’s mine,” Owlie protested.
“Not anymore, owl. Now it’s mine.”
“No, it’s not. Give it back.”
“No. It’s mine.”
“Is not…”
“Is too…”
“Is not…”
“Is too…”
“Is not…”
“Is too…”
As the cuttingly sharp and intellectual argument unfolded, while they were distracted, I took the opportunity to reach into my pocket on the downlow and slipped out my emergency magic acorn. I threw it amongst the guards, and it exploded in a bright light and loads of blue smoke, blowing apart some of the guards and blinding the rest, including the Dark Wizard.
Owlie saw his opportunity and flew for the precious stone with magical properties in the wizard’s hand. There was much flapping, a little squawking, a bunch of feathers flying and then Owlie came away with the precious stone with magical properties in his talons. He wasn’t to get far however, as the Dark Wizard froze him solid as stone. Owlie was all stuck, suspended in the air. The Dark Wizard simply reached over and plucked the stone from the owl’s grasp, and Owlie fell all stiff to the floor.
I pushed the goblin that had it and quickly grabbed my staff from him. Using even more wondrous wizardry, I finished off the remaining guards and then rushed over to Owlie. I crouched beside him and using yet more wondrous wizardry magicked him unfrozen and stiff. He looked up at me and weakly hooted. I gently picked him up and perched him on my shoulder.
“Not so fast,” the Dark Wizard said. “Now I will destroy you.”
He raised the stone aloft again and uttered the magical words. Then with a spit and fizz sparks flew from the stone. They streamed towards us. Then missed us completely as they arced around and hit the Dark Wizard. And there and then, in front of our disbelieving eyes, the Dark Wizard sparkled and smoked and then turned into a hedgehog.
We rejoiced as now we retrieved the stone and had defeated the Dark Wizard! You see, hedgehogs aren’t dangerous at all unless you sit on one that’s all balled up. We were victorious!
“What happened Owlie?” I asked. I couldn’t quite believe what I had witnessed.
“Well, I had a normal stone without magical properties that was painted to look exactly like the precious stone with magical properties, and I simply gave it the old switcheroo when I swooped in. Then I used the real precious stone with magical properties to destroy the wizard.”
“Brilliant! Well done, Owlie!”
I did have to wonder where he hid the stone seeing as he had no pockets, but I thought it best not to ask in the end.
“What now?” Owlie enquired.
“Now my little friend that is both wise and old, we shall make the long trek home.”
****
We did indeed make the long trek home, talking of wise things like philosophy, geopolitics, economics and the Roman Empire all the way.
Now as I sit by candlelight scribbling these words, I can reflect on the epic adventure that has unfolded. I’ve learned much about myself as I went. We got in a terrible scrape back there in the fortress and could very well have succumbed to deadness. This makes me grateful to not be tickle-tortured to death and pleased that I found a new friend in Owlie.
I’m sure I’ll see a lot more of him from here on out. And I would know, because I’m the one who writes these things.
I also wondered why I would risk life, limb, or deadness by tickle torture and such grave perils to help a perfect stranger? The only answer is, I guess it’s just the way I roll. That’s why I have so many friends!
I’m gonna write cool stories for you now.
All that remains is that I thank you for your time and wish you love, laughter and happiness, but most of all, I wish you peace.
See you next time friend!
BB
If you enjoy the Diary of a Wizard, sign up to my newsletter for more fun 🙂
Have you read Barry’s blog about the Fantasy Series?
Buy Barry’s books on Amazon today!
Dreamland Part 1 – The Fabric of Dreams
Dreamland Part 2 – The Masters of Light
Dreamland Part 3 – The Veil of Shadow
