Hey friend,
I’m back with another enthralling edition of the funny fantasy blog, The Diary of a Wizard. YAY! So, if you love quick read fantasy adventures this is the place to be. This week, I’m doing some online shopping, and as you can already imagine, things are gonna get super strange. So, with no further ado, which people only ever say after there’s already been a bunch of ado, away we go!
It was due to be a quiet week here in The Enchanted Woods, and that was indeed, how it started out. All was peaceful, so I ordered some stuff I’ve been needing for the house from the internet. I love online shopping cos it’s far less peopley than normal shopping, you see. I ordered some bone china teacups with pretty flowers painted on them for entertaining, some doilies to up the poshness of my residence, and finally, an electric lamp so I can read better. The old candlelight is getting a bit flickery for my 700-year-old eyes, you see (pun intended). For an extra few enchanted shmeckles I could get next day delivery, so being an eager beaver, I splashed out for the service.
The following morning, much to my excitement, my stuff arrived. I unboxed and unpacked it all. The bone china cups looked great, so I couldn’t wait to chuck a fancy party soon, especially now I had some lace doilies too. That means I could invite the great and good from The Enchanted Woods. The lamp, however, was a bit of a state. It looked kinda like it had been sitting on a dusty shelf for a couple of ages of the Earth. It was all covered in grimy muckiness.
It needed a jolly good scrubbing. That’s what I set out to do. I got my duster and started to polish the thing to make it look all spick and span. Before I could really grease up my elbows and get into it, there was a strange noise from within the lamp stem. Then smoke started pouring from the top. I freaked out a bit thinking it was gonna catch fire, especially as I hadn’t even plugged it in yet. Two seconds later a genie appeared in the room with me with a poof and a puff and a slight explosion that rocked me in my pointy boots. I jumped out of my skin, but that made me all skeletony, so I had to jump back into my skin again, lest, my flesh bag be all wibbly.
“Greetings, Wizard,“ it said. “I am the Genie of the Electric Lamp, but you can call me Trevor.”
“Hey, Trev,”
“I said Tre-vor,” he protested. “vor vor vor.”
Huh? Sarcasm. Lovely.
“Oh, I do apologise, Trev, vor vor vor vor.” I giggled. But he didn’t think it was as funny as I did. I guess being trapped in an electric lamp for unspecified amount of time would make one rather a grumpy bum.
“What do you want?” he snapped.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Wishes, you have wishes, three of them. So, what do you want?”
Well, that was a big question. I’m always thinking of others so what I want rarely comes into my mind.
“I’m gonna have to take 37 winks on this one, Trevor. Would you like a cup of tea? Piece of cake? I just got some new bone china to give a maiden voyage to, and some lace doilies to boot! Cucumber sandwich, perhaps?”
I could see he wanted to fuss and grump but couldn’t help a smile.
We actually got chatting long into the night. Trevor is quite a complex character. His centuries alone have made him socially anxious, so he comes over as standoffish. He’s actually a pretty nice Genie of the Electric Lamp, once you get to know him.
It turns out there are some wish rules. The wishes only work in The Enchanted Woods, the genie can’t bring anyone back from the dead, but I can do that myself anyway, he can’t make anyone fall in love, but I’ve been there, done that, and I can’t wish for more wishes.
Laying in bed that night, I couldn’t catch even a wink, so lost was I, in what I would wish for. It’s way more complicateder than it would seem. First, I thought of wishing for harmony amongst all living things, but then I realised everything would be dead. You see, nothing would hunt anyone else, so all the meat eaters would starve, and even if say, lions did actually become vegans, the grass and plants are just as alive as the animals are, so nothing could eat them either. You can’t get less harmonious than eating something else, in my opinion. Then I thought it would be cool if everyone was happy, but some people are happy when doing bad things, so therefore others couldn’t be happy, and it would become a happiness paradox and possibly flip reality inside out or implode the entire universe.
I thought that everyone could have food, but no one’s short of food in The Enchanted Woods. I thought that everyone could be rich, but if everyone’s rich, riches become worthless, it’s basic economics. I thought that everyone could have a party, but some folks don’t like parties so that would suck for them. I was stumped and frazzled and bamboozled too.
Come morn, somewhere around dawn’s crack, I jumped out of bed, not so bright eyed and bushy tailed, after a lack of nightly winkage.
Trevor was making scrambled eggs which always happens in movies if a stranger stays over someone else’s place. I find that a little weird, but I bit my tongue. After breakfast I had decided on my first wish.
“I wish you were free from the electric lamp, and you never have to grant any wishes anymore,” I said.
The responsibility of wishes and the possible ramifications were too much for me bare and I’m a wise old wizard, imagine if someone really stupid had purchased the lamp, like a cave troll, or a swamp goblin, or that talking donkey from down by the creek.
Trevor cried happy tears of joy as he did a little magic on himself to free himself from his curse. He gave me a huge hug.
“What will you do then, Trevor?” I asked.
“I’m gonna travel,” he said. “And Wizard, you can call me, Trev.”
“Right you are, Trev!”
Then at the door I waved him away as he made his way down the dusty trail towards a new future. That was when an enormous dragon swooped out the sky and unceremoniously gobbled him up right where he stood. Trevor never had a chance.
“Oh, well.” I shrugged. “Easy come, easy go. At least he was happy when he got munched to deadness.”
As I reflect on the week’s happenings, my mind keeps going back to the immortal words of Spiderman’s Uncle Ben: “With great power comes great responsibility.” And it is true that every magic spell has a consequence, and we shouldn’t use our powers willy nilly. I can only conclude, wishes, like time travel, must be used responsibly, otherwise the unexpected consequences could be too great to comprehend.
Anyway, that’s me for another week. I’m gonna go write some cool stories for you now.
I hope the week brings you much merriment and joy, and all your wishes come true!
See ya next time friend!
BB
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Barry S. Brunswick is an author and best selling poet.
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Dreamland Part 1 – The Fabric of Dreams
Dreamland Part 2 – The Masters of Light
Dreamland Part 3 – The Veil of Shadow
