This Edition of the Diary of a Wizard is dedicated to Sum Sum and Davey
Hey friend!
Welcome to the funny fantasy blog, The Diary of a Wizard. If you like laughs, magic and hijinks, this is the place for you. This week I’m having to put on my adult hat, and while I’m centuries old, that isn’t really my favourite thing. But, alas, responsibility calls and I must answer. I’m gonna have to babysit. Yeah, for a child. A human one. Wish me luck!
I got a call early in the morning on day 1 of the week. It was my sister in law’s, cousin’s, second cousin’s, great aunt’s, stepdad’s, neighbour’s, friend, Frank. He told me he was desperate. He and his wife have to go out of town. He asked if I could watch his five-year-old son, Charlie as he’d tried everyone else in the family. I wasn’t hesitant to call out the fact he was using the term “family” pretty loosely here.
I tried to turn him down. I tried to tell him I wasn’t the right person. He told me, being a wizard and all, I was surely more than equipped to deal with a mere human child. Not just babysitting any child, a human one no less, I ask you!
When I finally agreed, realising I can’t just leave a defenceless child alone while his parents are away, and I do help creatures I don’t even know do some crazy dangerous stuff, so it won’t be that bad for me. Then he hit me with it.
“When will you drop Charlie off?” I asked.
“Oh, no. With kindy and everything, you’ll have to come here. See you Wednesday.”
I think that’s day 3 of the week in human speak, I thought to myself as he gave me the address and hung up abruptly, lest I should change my mind.
I’ve gotta say that I was most upset. Not because I don’t like helping out. That’s like second nature to me, or maybe even first nature being a wizard and all. But to help out in the drab and dreary human world frightened me more than a fire breathing dragon that could turn me to instant ash, for example, or an enormous giant, that’s got a club with a massive rusty nail sticking right through it that attempts to splat me to a pancake, or even a dark and ferocious subterranean demon whom I shall not let pass, lest he sucks me to a fiery doom.
On day 2 of the week, I had to start the journey. The only way to the human world is through The Portal that Knows no Bounds. It can take you anywhere, which is cool if you know exactly where you want to go. If not, you could end up literally anywhere and often that’s not a great place to be.
Anyway, after wandering The Path Least Travelled, past The Pit of Despair, and then along The Treacherous Mountain Pass, I reached the porthole with time to spare. Before I knew it, I was sucked into the dreaded human world.
I was in a city. The air was no longer fresh and crisp. It was kinda dirty. I couldn’t hear the birds or the insects chirping, nor the wind rustling the leaves. Horseless carriages rushed by, spitting their fumes all over the place with their endless hiss in the distance. Huge buildings blocked out the light and hid the horizon from view.
I sighed looking at the address I’d written in complex goblin hieroglyphs on a piece of paper and jumped on the bus. I had to do a bit of a spell on the driver so he’d let me on without paying as I had no human money to hand.
The bus ride was bumpy and noisy and everyone on there was staring at handheld devices which does seem a strange way to behave. It didn’t take too long for me to reach the correct stop and after asking for directions while people laughed at my clothing, I found the address.
I rang the doorbell and Frank answered. That was when I realised, that though he said “family”, I’ve never seen the bloke before in my life. He introduced me to his son, Charlie, and then pointed me to a note on the fridge (whatever that is), that had all the things I had to do on it. Then he and his wife kissed their son goodbye, grabbed their bags and scarpered.
Charlie promptly began to make a funny noise… A really loud one… Like screaming and crying. I covered my ears and explained to the boy, that this could never do. We must nip that in the bud immediately. So, cheating a little, I said a secret incantation which is a non cryey spell. That means whenever he wants to cry, he won’t, he’ll just tell me what he needs straight away. Don’t tell his parents if you see them though, whatever you do.
I took a look at the long list of super boring tasks that are involved with the husbandry and upbringing of a human child. This life is certainly not the one for me.
So, there we stood, in silence, Charlie and I, for a few minutes. Then I decided we needed to have some food before it got too late. I was gonna cook my speciality but then I realised there were no big fat warty toads for my stew in the pantry and no pond cabbage anywhere to be seen.
“What do you normally have for dinner?” I asked the kid.
He thought for a moment and then said, “Pizza!” He sounded excited.
“Do you know how to cook, this, pizza?”
“From the pizza shop,” he said.
So, we had to leave the house. Luckily, Charlie knew the way and his parents had left me some human realm money to feed the boy. Soon we were back and we had his favourite pizza. I was not looking forward to eating weird human food, but I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. A shame you can’t get pizza in The Enchanted Woods, really.
Next, we watched Charlie’s favourite movie upon his request. I wasn’t holding out hope for human entertainment, but it did make me laugh and his little laugh, made me laugh even more. Afterwards I told him a bedtime story as he fell asleep.
The next day we had some breakfast, a thing called toast. I knew he had to go to school, but the weather was terrible, cold, rainy, grey and I felt rather gloomy. As we stepped outside, I was more miserable than a grumpy grouchy goblin with a grumbly growly gut. But Charlie, he didn’t care at all. In fact, he encouraged me to jump in puddles with him which quickly lightened the mood. It was such fun!
When I got back to the house, I found a human recipe book and decided I should purchase the ingredients for some of the meals we’d need, so we’d have nice human food for the rest of the time.
As I left to pick Charlie up, luckily the weather had cleared. I asked what he did at this school and he was doing art and writing and counting and stuff. They don’t even do incantations and spells, unbelievable!
I made a nice meal and then we looked at the stars where the kid taught me a song about a little star that twinkles. Then we played imagination games with his toys before bed.
The next morning, we walked to school and while I was being depressed by the drab surroundings of the human world, little Charlie was pointing to clouds that looked like animals and laughing. I pointed out some too and although he didn’t know what a two headed dragon looks like, I could tell he could imagine it very well.
I did the housework and got yet more food ready for the evening. All these human children do is eat, I tell you.
I watched some terrible television stuff for about 10 mins then promptly switched it off. No wonder some humans become alcoholics. I needed to go for a walk, but a walk in the human world was not something I was looking forward to. I walked anyway.
As I went, I breathed the traffic fumes and watched the humans all staring at their handheld devices. It made me a little sad, but then surprisingly I asked myself, what would Charlie do? And with that, I noticed things, that though in plain sight before, had gone completely unnoticed. The clouds and the hazy sunlight, a dog playing in front yard, some children playing in the park, giggling with joy, the bright daisies in the grass verge. I didn’t see the point of going back to the house and decided to go and pick up Charlie for our last evening together before his parents returned in the morning.
That night was a blast. We danced to music, then we spun around until we got all giddy and fell over. Then we drew pictures of elephants and crocodiles. I let him stay up a bit later than the boring task list of the fridge suggested. I finished by telling him a long and wondrous fantasy tale. Well, he thought it was fantasy, but it was just a random page out of my diary. We both fell asleep on the sofa.
After our final breakfast together, things called pancakes, Charlie’s parents arrived home. I gave them a special envelope for Charlie to open when he gets older and I was sad to say goodbye to my new friend. I quickly whispered the magic words into his ear so the non-cryey spell was gone and we had a cuddle and a few tears.
I finally got back to my place after the long journey. It was only then, that I could reflect upon the events of the week. In a drab, fast-paced, and increasingly insular human world, there’s still magic to be found if we only look for it. Friendship, laughter, beauty, play, dancing, art, are simply wonderful things if we truly take the time to notice and appreciate them. It does seem somewhat ironic, however, that a five-year-old human child, would be the one to teach me, a wizard, how to see the magic around him.
The envelope, I know you’re dying to know, is an invitation to come be a wizard’s apprentice when Charlie’s old enough. I do hope he accepts my offer.
It all just goes to show that you should never underestimate what a child can teach you about the world. I hope the week brings you beauty, magic, love and a massive helping of child-like wonder.
See ya next time friend!
BB
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Dreamland Part 1 – The Fabric of Dreams
Dreamland Part 2 – The Masters of Light
Dreamland Part 3 – The Veil of Shadow
