Hey friend and welcome to the funny fantasy blog The Diary of a Wizard. This week I gotta help a vampire with a dental problem. Lucky I’m not human, lest the blood sucker should suck my blood. It’s well-known that wizard’s blood makes the undead put on a little bit of weight so they avoid it as best they can. You know what they say: A moment on the lips; an endless eternity on the hips. Well, no one’s ever said that… Until now that is.
I stayed up a little late at the weekend with my best friend and 500-year-old cave witch, Caladium Crane. She does like to party let me tell you. Anyway, it caused me to sleep right through the first day of the week, and I awokened at moonrise. I knew it was gonna be a messed-up night when I heard the wolves howling, and thunder and lightning even though there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
I was a little restless after a long sleep, so I grabbed my sword and staff, donned my pointy hat, and went out for a midnight stroll. Quickly I heard someone crying bitter tears. I carried on until I found the owner of said tears. It was a young man, tall, slim, kinda pale, with a little too much product in his hair.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’m a vampire see,” he sniffed. “And I captured this fair maiden. I was about to suck her blood, when me two pointy teeth fell out due to undead gingivitis so all I could do was gum at her. She ran off, she did.”
“Yeah, not surprised there, mate, that’s gross. What’s your name?”
“Ross, Ross Ferartu. Anyway, I need to get this sorted. What kind of vampire has no pointy teeth?”
“A pretty lame one, I’d suggest.”
“Can you help me, Mister Wizard? Please.”
“Oh, I suppose so. I do have an idea,” I told him. “Come with me. You can stay at my place to sleep today, and I know an overnight dentist that can help. He covers horns, tusks, fangs, beaks as well as regular teeth I believe. You can stay but please promise no grabbing fair maidens off the street while you’re here. Deal?”
“Not even one?” he said dejectedly.
“Not even one,” I said it firmly, you know in that boomy scary way that wizard’s do.
“Okay,” he sighed. “Do you have a coffin I can sleep in, with the soil of my homeland?”
“Is your homeland The Enchanted Woods, per chance?”
“Yep. How did you know?”
“I just kind of guessed. So, I’ll give you handful of soil from my garden and a cardboard box. Will that do?”
“I s’pose.”
He weirdly insisted I invite him in before he would come inside but then we sat on the sofa awkwardly. I couldn’t do the normal hospitality things cos he doesn’t eat anything but blood and the only blood I have is inside me, and that’s not for him. Also, we had to stay up all night and sleep during the day which isn’t the way I like to do it.
Anyway, after a mundane night, we day slept and I woke up somewhere near dusk’s crack, and we trotted on our merry way to the dentist. I rode my trusty magical steed, Horace and Ross exploded into a thousand bats. We were there in a mere 7 jiffies. No one’s quite sure how long a jiffy is, but it’s very quick let me tell you.
The dentist took one look at Ross and hissed. This wasn’t a good sign. Then he said, “Be gone vile beast from the depths of hell. We do not serve your kind here!” This was an even worse sign. And when he made an emergency call to Van Helsing that was the worst sign of all. We had little choice but to skedaddle.
So, we returned to mine and I had another plan for the next night. Ross was becoming quite the troublesome guest. Now dental professionals were ruled out; I had to turn to magic!
We slept all day again and at dusk I started making a potent and pungent potion. It took hours of hubbling, bubbling, toiling, and troubling but at last I had the result I had rather hoped for.
I gave Ross a sip of the potion, said the magic words—which I can’t reveal here lest I be turned into a hedgehog by the Grand High Wizard himself—and there was a puff of smoke.
“What have you done to me?” Ross asked in a high and buzzy voice while he felt his face with his hands.
“Well, if we’re gonna resort to magic, why give you your two pointy teeth back when we can have this instead?” I held up a mirror.
“Ahhh!” he said. “I’m a mosquito!”
“You just have mosquito mouth parts. The rest of you is still a vampire. Surely this is much better for your kind than fangs alone.”
“Pretty ugly though, if I’m honest mate.”
“Look I hate to be the barer of bad news, but you weren’t exactly an oil painting before.”
“Good point… All right, I’ll give it a crack. Thanks, I guess.”
Off he flew or they flew I guess when he was a thousand bats. Anyway, talk about ungrateful undead. I have a genius idea, and he grumbles like a proper negative nelly.
The very next night there was a knock on the door. It was Ross (in case you hadn’t guessed it) and he was super excited. He was bragging that he drained seven maiden fairs last night after he left and he wanted to thank me.
I pulled a pre-prepared wooden stake from behind my back and stuck it straight through his heart. He exploded into flames and then ash. He had to get all greedy, didn’t he? Well, now he’s a quadrillion pieces of dust blowing in the breeze and the fair maidens from the Enchanted Woods are safe from Ross Feratu.
I sat in my chair the next day pondering what this episode had taught me. This one has showed me it’s okay to say no to helping some people, elves, faeries, swamp monsters, dwarfs, goblins, witches, sasquatches or vampires. I need to set firmer boundaries. Maybe Ross Feratu without his teeth would still be alive now and a bunch of fair maidens wouldn’t be undead. Needless to say, even though I’ve walked the Earth for many ages of man, I can still make mistakes from time to time.
All that remains is I thank you for your time and hope you enjoyed this edition of my funny fantasy blog, The Diary of a Wizard. I’m gonna go write some cool stories for you now.
I hope the week brings you love and laughter, sunshine, roses but mostly I wish you peace.
See ya next time friend!
BB
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Dreamland Part 1 – The Fabric of Dreams
Dreamland Part 2 – The Masters of Light
Dreamland Part 3 – The Veil of Shadow
