Hey friend!
Welcome to the magical blog, The Diary of a Wizard. If you love funny fantasy, magical mayhem, or most importantly, whacky wizardry, then this is the place for you.
This week, it’s a story about a sorceress causing trouble in The Enchanted Woods, and as always, it falls up to old muggins here, to sort it out. Wish me luck!
I woke up bright and breezy in the morning, somewhere around dawn’s crack, to a frantic but little knocking on my door. It was a hedgehog that spoke, which is not entirely unheard of in The Enchanted Woods. It told me it used to be a handsome elf, but some wicked sorceress dressed in black, turned him into a hedgehog. I must confess this made me kinda mad. Turning things into hedgehogs is my thing and I did not appreciate this flagrant pilfery of my ideas.
The hedgehog whose name is Dolligord, led the way. All he did for hours on end was complain about how good looking he used to be, how beautiful, and how magnificent too, but now he’s just a hedgehog. He did this day and night on the long trail. He begged me to change him back over and over, but only the one who cast the curse can break it. I think he’s pretty annoying. I can see why someone felt it fitting to turn him into a hedgehog, even if they did pilfer the idea from me.
It took quite some time before we reached the castle on the hill. It seemed like a good stereotypical residence for a sorceress. I left Dolligord behind cos I was about done with him by then.
With my staff in hand, I made my way very bravely (naturally) towards the castle. I went right up to the gate and gave it a jolly good, confident, knocking on.
Words came from the battlements above me, booming and powerful words in female tones.
“Who goes there?” they said.
“Me,” I replied.
“No, I’m me. Who are you?”
“I’m me, I tell ya.”
“You’re you,” she protested.
“No, you’re you, and I’m me.”
“I’m me and you’re you. Now introduce yourself.”
“It is I, the wizard.”
“So now you’re I, when I thought you were me.”
“I’m the Wizard. Let me in. I have to speak with you on matters most urgent.”
“Enter Wizard, but be warned, I am a powerful sorceress, and your wizardry will be met with sorcery if you meddle with me.”
The heavy doors creaked open on their own and I went inside. There was the sorceress in a flowing black dress, sitting on a thrown made entirely of the skulls of her enemies, with a twisty crown made from the black unicorn horn. This met me with some surprise, being that she was up on the battlements about 3 seconds ago and now, here. Most magical indeed!
“Greetings, Wizard,” she said.
“Hey, nice to make your acquaintance. How are you today?”
“Yes, in a fairly good mood, luckily for you.”
I ignored the threatening part, as a sorceress can never be as powerful and mighty as a wizard such as me. “How shall I address you?” I asked.
“Mighty One, will do.”
“Yep, not happening. What’s your name?”
“The Queen of Egypt.”
“No. What did your parents call you?”
“Oh, that name. Boring! It’s Lyra Flare. Nice to meet you.”
“That name certainly is not boring! So wonderful to meet you.”
“Enough chit chat, what do you want?” she snapped.
“I’d just like to know, why you turned Dolligord into a hedgehog?”
“Who?” I could see she was whirring her memory cogs. “Oh, yes, the annoying ugly elf thing.”
“I don’t think that’s him. He said he was a very handsome elf.”
“Yeah, the only people that think he’s handsome, is him, and his mother.” She cackled slightly.
“Well, turning things into hedgehogs is kinda my thing, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t,” I said as politely as I could.
“Don’t worry I turn things into lots of things, the first thing I think of, usually. So, the hedgehog was random. I won’t do that again for like, 107 years.”
“Okay, that’s all good then. I’m cool with that. Anyway, what I’d really like to know is why did you do it?”
“I let him crash in the spare room for the night. I felt sorry for him being chased by all those villagers with pitch forks and torches, mistakenly thinking he was some kind of troll, you see. That’s how ugly he is. Then—you won’t believe this—the nerve of it, the utter gal, he started talking to me in the morning, before I’d even had coffee. And he put the TV on. Like, who puts the TV on at 6.37 in the morning? So, I just turned him into a hedgehog, is all. It’s an improvement, I assure you.”
“To be fair, he is super annoying, so I get it. What about this guy here though?” I pointed at the statue-like dwarf that she’d clearly turned to stone.
“Oh, I was in a bad mood that day.”
“What about them?” Two toads scurried away.
“Oh, I was a little grumpy, and they were kind of near me.”
“So, you do a little sorcery when you’re in a bad mood?”
“Yes, I have terrible mood swings, you see.”
“You can’t just cast sorcery whenever you feel like it,” I protested. “Every curse or spell has a price to pay and often a trixie one at that. I think you’ll find casting the bad spells is what’s draining your juju and putting you in a bad mood. It’s making it worse, I mean. You’re becoming a grumpy bum. Have you tried meditation, mindfulness, yoga or Tai Chi?”
“No, I have not. It’s cool though, I just get a bit funny when people are all talky sometimes. They’re annoying, like mosquitoes.”
“Why don’t you try doing some good magic stuff instead, and it may make you feel good?”
“Like what?”
I thought for a moment, stroking my beard, which is proven to make you at least 11% wiser. “Like, conjure up a feast for the villagers!”
“Oh, what a wonderful idea! I’ll do that in the morrow and give it a go.”
“That’s great. Well, it’s been fun, but I’ve gotta go now,” I announced, slapping my thighs. “It’s a long trek back home and my trusty magical steed, Horace, is finally out of lockdown, but he’s not really fit for steeding having eaten too many cakes on his downtime. Please, magical mind message me to let me know how the feast went. I have to know.” This was quite the honour for Lyra Flare, though she would never know it. I only let my best friends magical mind message me. That’s my private telepathic connection, not my business one.
She agreed.
“There’s one last thing,” I said as I turned to leave. “Would you be so good as to turn Dolligord back into an elf, or a troll, or whatever he was before?”
“Look, I’m gonna work on my mood swings, I promise, but let’s take it one day at a time. Gotta walk before I can run, mate. All of this, in one day? Change my entire life, just like that.” She snapped her fingers. “I can’t possibly find the inner strength. I need some ice cream. I cannot and will not, I say.”
“Well, that’s fair enough. He is annoying. Mind if I make a suggestion though?”
“Feel free.”
“Maybe cast another curse that stops him from talking.”
“Oh, what a grand idea! I will do that right away.”
With that, we bade… bode… bidded each other farewell. Once again, I hit the dusty trail for the long trek home.
The next day while up to my boots in swamp mud, I received that mind message from Lyra.
It said: “I did it! We had the feast!”
“How did it go?” I asked.
“Really, well. At least until the rat incident, anyway.”
“Wait a sec, rat incident?”
“Well, they’re all people, so they got a bit peopley. I got socially overwhelmed by them talking at me, and I accidentally turned them all into rats.”
“Go and turn them back, Lyra.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“You’re absolutely sure?”
“YES!”
“Oh, boring!”
“Do it, for me?”
“Alright then, for you. Peace out dawg.”
“Laters.”
I finally made it home exhausted, yet pleased. I have a feeling Lyra Flare and myself may see each other again. I do hope I’ve helped her stay on a more level footing with regards to her mood swings. We have to prevent her slipping into grumpy bumness. We magical beings have to be careful in the way we use magic, lest we slip into darkness and use our powers for evil. If we concentrate on the light, we feel lighter, if we concentrate on the dark, that is where we may just dwell. That is a place none of us want to be.
I’m off to write cool stories for you now, but of course, I’ll be back soon. I hope the week brings you much magic, giggles, bubbles, and legos (to play with, not step on).
See ya next time, friend!
BB
If you enjoy the Diary of a Wizard, sign up to my newsletter for more fun 🙂
Barry S. Brunswick is an author and best selling poet.
Have you read Barry’s blog about the Fantasy Series?
Buy Barry’s books on Amazon today!
Dreamland Part 1 – The Fabric of Dreams
Dreamland Part 2 – The Masters of Light
Dreamland Part 3 – The Veil of Shadow
Hairy Man a short story
The War of The Turnips
