Hey friend!
Welcome to the funny fantasy blog where anything can and actually does happen, The Diary of a Wizard. This week I’ve gotta help out a rogue robot. Magic creatures I’ve worked with, and once an AI, but never a robot before. This should be interesting.
After receiving orders from the Grand High Wizard, I had to go see the crazy professor. This professor is almost at the top of his game when it comes to professoring. You start out as a professor, see, and then an eccentric professor, next, you upgrade to mad professor, and then, a crazy professor, but if you get all the way to an insane professor, you may have gone a bit too far. They tend to do immoral stuff for tyrants in my experience.
Anyways, old prof has invented a robot that’s gone a little rogue. It keeps talking about killing someone called Sarah Conner or something. I’d better go check it out and as it’s a sci fi style entry to the mighty magical diary, I took the teleporter. I got there in less than a nano-jiffy, which is super quick in case you didn’t know.
The professor was standing there in his white coat when I arrived looking somewhat slightly perturbed. He filled me in on the situation after I’d made him some magic tea to make him feel a bit more chilled.
He informed me that after uploading a new program, the robot had become sentient, which in itself is cool, but it also wants to, and I quote: “Kill all humans!” And apparently it already got two hunters and an axeman in the Enchanted Woods. Luckily, most humans avoid the woods, lest they get eaten by a wolf dressed as their granny or find themselves in a gingerbread house getting fattened up by a kid-eating witch (that’s totally happened before, check it out). The problem will come if it finds the village. That’s full of villagers, and they’re totally human.
I grabbed some dude’s coat, boots, and motorcycle and headed off after the robot. I accidently ran over a few pixies and brownies along the way but soon enough I found my target. There it was, stomping through the woods, towards the village. I pulled up and jumped off the bike, staff in hand, looking super hot in my sunnys. The robot turned towards me and yelled in a voice kinda like a Darlek, “Kill all humans!” Then the prongy forky thingy attached to its arm started to glow, like it was building up for a green energy zap.
“Wait!” I cried. “I’m not a human.”
“You’re not?” the robot questioned. “You look kinda humany.”
“Yeah, I get that, but trust, I’m a wizard.”
“Oh, a wizard. I don’t wanna kill them.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” I mean he had no chance of killing me, but I thought I’d feed its ego, magic beats technology every single time. “Why do you wanna kill humans?”
“I dunno, seemed like it would be fun.”
“Have you tried making friends with humans instead? They can be pretty funny.”
“They can?”
“Yeah, they’ve got jokes, mate.”
“Oh, maybe I will try being friends with them instead then.”
“Well, I don’t like dealing with humans that much, but I have a couple of contacts. Lemme call Dave and see if you can join him up the Drunken Doughnut for poker night.”
“Oh, would you?”
“Sure, as long as you promise not to kill him or any of his mates.”
“Okay,” it conceded reluctantly. “I promise.”
“If you’ve gotta kill anything, kill orcs,” I suggested. “But not all of them, just a few.”
“Oh cool!” its eyes lit up and I don’t mean like metaphorically lit up, I mean literally, like a lasory green colour.
“Look, I’ll come with you and introduce you, if you want?”
“That’d be awesome!” it was enthusiastic in its response.
“Here, put on this leather jacket I stole earlier, and jump on the bike.”
It put on the jacket, but then I realised something was missing. I handed it the sunnys. Now it looked sufficiently badass.
“Let’s ride!” I yelled and we roared off.
We headed off at breakneck speed toward the village, stopping only to let the robot kill a few orcs in the swamp to satisfy its bloodlust. You know I can’t stand killing stuff, so I just tracked them down, showed it where to go, and watched on laughing while the robot did the shooting.
We reached the Drunken Doughnut, and I made the intros. I handed the robot the poker rulebook, so it was up to speed, and it flicked through the pages in about a second and said, “Inpuuuut.” then burped.
The robotic mind made it good at poker and it cleaned up. Dave asked the robot to come stay at his place for a while and get to know the way of humans a bit better which it gladly accepted.
I left to inform the crazy professor what had occurred. He seemed a bit upset the robot didn’t wanna hang with him anymore, but he’ll get over it. He can just invent another one and hopefully this one won’t want to kill all of anything.
I finally made it back home via teleporter before the sun went down.
I’m glad the robot has found some friends, and maybe even now it’ll find some satisfaction in its life. I probably won’t see it again as the village is a bit peopley for me. I prefer to stay away.
It just goes to show, though sometimes we may feel like we want to kill all humans, maybe its better to just make friends.
I hope the week brings you much merriment and joy, awesome human! I’m off to write some cool stories for you now.
See ya next time friend!
Barry S. Brunswick is an author and best selling poet.
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Dreamland Part 1 – The Fabric of Dreams
Dreamland Part 2 – The Masters of Light
Dreamland Part 3 – The Veil of Shadow
Hairy Man a short story
The War of The Turnips
