Hey Friend,
Welcome to the funnest blog around, The Diary of a Wizard! It’s funny fantasy and wondrous wizardry all the way. This week, I’m having problems with shadows. “Shadows can’t be problematic,” I hear you cry. Well, trust, in The Enchanted Woods, anything can happen at any moment as I’m sure you’re well aware, and if you weren’t, you are now. Hooray!
Firstly, I’d like to apologise for being MIA for a couple of months. I got frozen solid by the Ice Sorceress in an epic battle on the icy mountain. She luckily escaped though, so I’ll have to deal with her later. Anyway, in my frozen state, I couldn’t move my body but being a mighty wizard I could magic up a lot of cakes to eat. Due to this, I must admit, I’ve packed on a few pounds. I finally got free when spring sprung and the ice melted, but now I need to get in shape as there is much wizarding and wizardry to do.
I awoke bright and breezy somewhere around dawn’s crack on day 1 of the week. I was determined to get back into shape as quickly as possible. My training regime would be an intense one. I started with a good old limber up which sounded rather like a clickety clacker was going off with all the cricks and cracks. After about an hour I finally felt a bit more bendy. I did some star jumps, some jogging on the spot, 7 burpies, 2 farties, 13 sit ups and then 1 sit down. Next was time to do some wizardry training and swordsmanship. To my joy, I found I hadn’t lost my touch. I was exploding things all over the shop and I looked rather ninjary with my sword, even if I do say so myself. That 703 years of wizard training really was paying off.
Finally, my fave, some shadow boxing. I don’t know how to explain it, but my shadow gave me two black eyes, a bloody nose and a fat lip, before finally knocking me into Goo Goo Ga Ga land. I stirred sometime later, dizzy, pounding head, wondering how on earth my shadow had beaten me so bad at boxing.
I got the old icepack on my swollen face and after much puzzling as to what had occurred, I was exhausted, so I went sleepy byes. I woke up lying on my sore face. I jumped out of bed determined to beat my shadow. If I can’t beat that, I’ll have no chance against 12-foot octopus-men, or dark wizards or even grumpy dragons, so I knew I needed some help.
If I need help with fighting techniques there is only one person to ask, my best friend and 500-year-old cave witch, Caladium Crane. I sent her a magical mind message and awaited her arrival.
Luckily, she had a bonus teleportation spell handy, so she appeared in less than a jiffy, and a jiffy is a really short amount of time, just so we’re clear. I near jumped out my skin when her shadowy black form just appeared in my kitchen. I hadn’t seen her for a while, so it was nice to see her face. As a good host, I knew we should take some tea, have a little natter and a bit of a catch up before the business of training could begin.
Outside in the yard we started. The first exercise, Caladium informed me, was to be head movement. She tied my hands behind my back and proceeded to throw a flurry of punches at me. Each one hit me, bruising up my sore face more. I tried to move my head out the way but to little avail. When I finally slumped to my knees, she stopped beating me, much to my relief.
“Oh, wonderful. Well done!” she said. “You’re a great student. Perfect!”
“Perfect?” I argued. “You hit me with every punch. I was trying to avoid them.”
“Oh, no, that’s not what you were doing. Only a fool would think that.” She grew excited as often was her way. “You blocked all the punches with your face, see, and I’m very proud of my student. So up you get, and we’ll work on our footwork.”
2 days passed with this strict training regime. I swear she’s trying to kill me, but now she’s saying I’m a deadly fighting machine and ready to once again, try and take on my shadow.
Caladium rang the bell, and my shadow totally easily kicked my ass and left me beaten black and blue in the dirt again. With a bucket of cold water poured on me I awoke, struggled to my feet, and staggered inside to have a healy spell. My poor head hurt.
I sat there confounded and frustrated. If I can’t beat my shadow, how will I fight disgruntled cave trolls, or swamp goblins, or even a three-headed hydra?
Caladium came in and gave me a pep talk. She could see I was somewhat glum.
“Look, you know the warrior’s way, you can win, or you can learn. At least, that’s what the samurai say.”
“Yes, I’ve learned my shadow has been training more than me,” I said. “Seems impossible. I’m always with it. I would have noticed.”
“Do you want me to train you some more then, champ?” she asked.
“No, I guess my wizarding days are numbered if I can’t beat my own shadow.” I sighed deeply. “What have I become?”
“Oh, come on. Don’t be like that.” She offered a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. “We all lose sometimes. Are you sure you don’t wanna learn some more moves? Super special ones!”
“I’ve been training for 703 years. There are no moves I don’t know. That’s the point.” I hunched into a sulk.
“Oh, okay then. I’ll remove the boxing curse I put on your shadow, if it makes you feel better.”
“What!? Why would you curse my shadow?”
“Just wanted to spend some time with you is all. You’ve been frozen, and I’ve been busy. I knew if you needed some training, you’d call me cos I’m super tough.”
“Why didn’t you just text me?”
“I could have done, now I think about it. Seems a bit silly now, doesn’t it?”
“Maybe a little. It is great to see you though my twisted friend.”
“Same bro, same.”
We hung for a couple more days, no training, no beatings, just good wholesome magical fun and had the most wonderful time. Then, finally, Caladium went on her merry way, probably to kill and eat some gross stuff and curse some other beings.
As I sat in silence I did have to wonder where my best friend and 500-year-old cave witch, Caladium Crane gets her crazy ideas. She could have just said she wanted to hang, but no, she has to resort to cursing my shadow. I spent days in pain, I nearly broke my body, training, almost quit being a wizard because of my abject failure, and I wasted a healy spell. Sometimes I do despair about her. I’m not sure she always makes the best choices and she’s certainly crazy as bat poop, but what can ya do? She’s a mate.
I’m gonna go write some cool stories for you now. I hope the week brings you magic, light and laughter, and maybe just a wickle bit of mayhem.
See ya next time friend!
BB
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Barry S. Brunswick is an author and best selling poet.
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Dreamland Part 1 – The Fabric of Dreams
Dreamland Part 2 – The Masters of Light
Dreamland Part 3 – The Veil of Shadow
Hairy Man a short story
