Hey friend! Welcome to the comedy memoire, full of magic and mayhem, sorcerous shenanigans and just a good old time for all, The Diary of a Wizard! If funny fantasy is your thing, then you’ve been magicked to the right place. This week I gotta help the mer-king, King Gillian of the merpeople. Here’s to overloading on sushi and getting into tentacley tangles with crazy cephalopods!
I was summoned by King Gillian, bright and breezy in the morning via magical mind scroll. As my trusty magical steed Horace, is still away at unicorn rehab, I’ll have to shrink myself to a tiny size and catch a raven. Lucky I’ve always got some shrinking potion close to hand for situations such as these.
I caught some winks on the wing but not many. It stands to reason a bird called a raven, would enjoy rave music, a ravin’ raven, so to speak. Anyways, it doofed and boofed all night long keeping my head bouncing around. Gladly, we made the crystal shore by morning and finally my teeth stopped rattling from the bass. Then it was time to don the magical bubble protective underwater head gear and splosh into the drink. I asked a dolphin for a ride, but he said he couldn’t see the porpoise of doing so, so I caught a ride on a giant golden sea turtle into the inky yonder, past Davy Jone’s locker and all the way to the magnificent seashell castle that is the merpeople’s domain.
I was welcomed with open arms and a big platter of sushi. It was nice to see my old friend again. We sat talking long into the night. When I’m around, it’s the only time his wife lets him stay up past his bedtime, so he wanted to misbehave a wee bit. We got pretty tiddly on shipwreck rum and passed out in the front room.
I awoke with a fuzzy head and was welcomed by the last thing I could possibly want which was of course, sushi. I ate it anyway so as not to appear rude, but now I have a bubbly belly to go with my fuzzy head.
I finally found out what the king had summoned me for. He wanted me to magic him up the reverse of my protective magical underwater head bubble so he could hang out on dry land. The head bubble spell is reserved only for wizards and if I were to use it on him, I would be turned into a hedgehog by The Grand High Wizard himself. Maybe we can’t use magic, but that never stopped me from solving a problem yet.
It was clear we need the exact opposite of a deep-sea diver suit, so he could go on the land—a dryland ascension suit! I summoned the kingdom’s finest engineers, and scientists and of course fashion designers so the suit looks cool, which is probably the most important thing.
After much toil and hardship, after a couple of days we had a sleek and snazzy design, a tank to pump water instead of oxygen and instead of diver’s fins we gave him one enormous foot. He’ll be ungraceful, but he should be able to hop about. As ungraceful as a human is underwater, I guess.
King Gillian said he wanted to head for the beach and get on the land and see the ocean from the outside for the first time. Quite the crowd gathered to see him off. It was the merperson equivalent to the first astronaut I suppose. He was hailed for his bravery and dynamism, even though the dynamism came from a whole group of merfolk in the background. It always was rather kingly to take credit for the work of others though.
We headed for the beach of his choosing and slowly, he made his way onto the shore. He emerged from the water and hopped ungracefully up the beach. An enormous crowd of people gathered round him and started snapping pics and laughing and pointing. There was quite the kafuffle and cacophony let me tell you. Anyway, after 7 minutes, he had already had enough so he turned tail and plopped back in the salty brine. The last thing he said before waving goodbye was, “Yuck, people!”
I finally arrived back home and settled for the night. It goes to show, you may have the resources and willing, but that doesn’t make you an explorer. And my advice, if you’re a mythical being, that lives beneath the waves, probably best to avoid people at all costs, because people are pretty peopley.
Right, I’m gonna write cool stories for you now. I hope your week is full of joy, and, most importantly, not too peopley!
See ya next time friend!
Barry S. Brunswick is an Author and Best Selling Poet.
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Dreamland Part 1 – The Fabric of Dreams
Dreamland Part 2 – The Masters of Light
Dreamland Part 3 – The Veil of Shadow
Hairy Man a short story
The War of The Turnips