Hey friend! Welcome to the world of whacky wondrous wizardry that is, The Diary of a Wizard! Before I fill you in on what’s happening this week, I’ll fill you in on what happened last week (Check it out here now if you don’t want a spoiler). I finally got pooped out by the whale and it was totally gross I can assure you. So I don’t wanna talk about that.
This week my best friend and 500-year-old cave witch Caladium Crane, wants to become the champ and she wants me to help her out. Lucky me!!
Becoming the Champ: Day One
After having to bleach my entire body, I could have done without being awokened by a hammering on the door this morning. I got up, stuck some matches in my eyelids and answered. I wanted to be a bit of grumpy bum, but it was my best friend and 500-year-old cave witch, Caladium Crane, and I could never be grumpy with her. She was an awful sweaty betty, due to the fact that she had ran all the way here. Apparently she’s “trying to get in shape”. In shape for what? I hear you cry. Well, the freestyle fighting tournament is happening on day 5 and 6 of this week and she wants the belt. She wants me to help train her and get her into the tournament.
Frankly I’d love to say no, but I had to agree, what can ya do, she’s a mate? The problem I have with it is, I find it utterly barbaric, because wait for it, it’s a fight to the death and I do abhor violence.
Anyway, I’ll let her crash here so she can use my wizardy dojo. I mean I don’t like violence but that certainly doesn’t mean a wizard doesn’t need some from time to time. I have to stay in shape and I am pretty handy in a ruckus.
We’re hitting the hay early tonight.
Becoming the Champ: Day Two
Woke up super bright and breezy, nowhere near dawn’s crack and got Caladium up. I made her skull a glass with 6 raw eggs in it. Now you or I may well spew, but raw eggs are nothing compared with the gross stuff she normally eats for breakfast.
We went for a jog around the woods.
After we got back, it was to the gym for Caladium to do some shadow boxing. She went okay, until her shadow knocked her out. I had to chuck a bucket of water over her head to wake her up. It is fair to say however, her shadow is tougher than the terminator version of Chuck Norris.
We finished the day with a little bag work. Her head movement is pretty solid, and she has quite the left hook. She’s looking good!
We’re both beat, so it’s early to rise, early for bed for us. There’ll only be time for 17 winks tonight.
Becoming the Champ: Day Three
So, woke up earlier than anyone ever should this morning, and had to wake Caladium up. She sprung out of bed like a pogo sticking penguin and immediately had her war face on. Today is strength and conditioning training and it’s gonna suck. It’ll only suck for her though, I can just chill and read a book or something for most of the day.
First the exercise bike, then the rowing machine, followed by smashing her in the abs with a medicine ball. Next I had her doing long arm chin ups with chains around her feet weighing her down. Finally, we did some forms and defensive work.
I gotta say, my witch is starting to look like a well-oiled machine!
I fed her a whole warty swamp goblin to keep her energy high and we’ll hit the hay early. Big day tomorrow!
Becoming the Champ: Day Four
Today is the final day of prep so we were up before dawn even knew what hit her. We need to do pointless martial arts exercises today. We started by the koi pond and Caladium had to quickly snatch out a fish. She did it after 3 attempts, but there was little I could do stop her eating the thing.
Then she had to catch a fly in some chopsticks. She did that after 17 attempts and yep, you guessed it, she ate it.
She wasn’t buying the old “Paint my fence” trick, so I knocked that one on the head.
She walked across some rice paper without tearing it and then I taught her the dim mak, the crane (ha that’s her name) and finally the hadouken. Basically, my girl is near on unstoppable.
There’s just one final test for my pupil and she kicked her shadow’s butt this time!
Now we’ll have some dilly root wine and I’ll teach her how to become a drunken master before bed.
Becoming the Champ: Day Five
We left for the tournament early and I had to bribe her into it. I gave a goblin a 141 wood shmeckles just to get her in the door. Finally, we were in the dressing room.
That was when I handed her a box with a bow on it. She opened it.
“Oh, wow! You’re giving me the robe you killed that horrible dragon and that entire dark army in, for my walk on?”
“Yeah, it’d be an honour if you wore it.”
She nodded enthusiastically and then we hugged and had many tears. I’m so proud of her!
The first fight was not a great one. Caladium came out to Sabotage by the Beastie Boys, and everything was great. Problem was that her opponent was a 2-foot-tall wood nymph. She grabbed it and ate it raw, and the crowd roared as it happens.
The second fight she had to fight a dwarf with a razor sharp battle axe. She threw her dragon punch, followed by her snake fist, and then a twirling kick to his melon. He went down like a sack of potatoes and dropped his axe. She disembowelled and them beheaded him, ate some of him, and then screamed her mighty war cry loud. She is a fearsome and pretty messed up warrior indeed.
Now she’s made it to the grand final, so we’d better get some sleep.
Becoming the Champ: Day Six
“Do you have to always eat them?” I asked after we awokened to the big day.
“Well, yes, it’s my special move.”
“It kinda turns the crowd off you. Didn’t you see them all spewing last time?”
“It’s my thing and I’m sticking to it! And I have an extra special thing planned for this next bout.”
My wizardy sense tingled. I’m not so sure about the sound of that, but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.
Anyway, her opponent is a 13-foot bridge troll with a huge splatting club. I was somewhat concerned for my friend’s safety, so I tried to persuade her to pull out. She wouldn’t. It left me more anxious that an angsty aardvark, angrily arguing with an antsy, adder on an August arvo, let me tell you.
I tried one more time in vein to stop her after I’d seen the troll kicking down a concrete pillar in the changing rooms. She’s having none of it.
Massaging her shoulders as we went, with my bucket in hand, the walk on music rang out and she burst into the arena. She roared, arms aloft, while the baying crowd went wild. Then with an explosion of fireworks she entered the circle of doom. She’s quite the show witch it seems.
Now came the 13-foot, bridge troll, complete with splatting club, to Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. She may not be intimidated, but I certainly am.
The bell sounded. The troll rushed forward roaring, readying his club. Caladium moved quicker than a rattle snake and pulled a 13-foot bridge troll shaped voodoo doll from her robes and quickly jabbed a pin in its eye.
The troll’s eye exploded, and green gunk ran all down its face. It was totally gross. Trolls don’t really feel pain on account of them being incredibly stupid, so this just made it angry.
Again, it rushed to club her, but she bit the head off the doll and started chewing. The rest is a little graphic to spell out in its entirety, but imagine if you will, an invisible, 30-foot-tall person, eating and swallowing a 13-foot bridge troll in front of your eyes. Yeah, that.
The entire crowd were completely grimmed out and pretty peaky from spewing, so when she finally received her much-deserved belt, it was dead silent and a bit of an anti-climax for her. Nevertheless, she had done, what she set out to do. Caladium Crane is the Enchanted Woods Freestyle Fighting Champion!!
We got home late after much merriment and shenanigans and hit the hay just before dawn’s crack.
Becoming the Champ: Day Seven
We awokened not so bright, and certainly not breezy, yet in joyous mood. Caladium went on her way at lunch time but skipped brekkie. She said she’d eaten enough for one week. She did scald me a little for not believing in her and trying to get her to pull out. I just said I’m sorry, but the truth is something very different. I did that to make her even more determined to win, just to prove me wrong. She always been a bit of a brat like that. In the meantime, I put 157,639 wood shmeckles on her to win, my entire life savings. If that’s not belief in my friend, I don’t know what is. I’ll tell her the next time I see her.
I know she’s a raging psycho and everything, but what can ya do, she’s a mate?
Anyway, gonna pop off and collect my winnings now, then write some cool stories for you. I hope the week brings you more giggles than cries and more than a little magic too!
See ya next week friend!
Barry S. Brunswick is an Author and Best Selling Poet.
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