Hey friend! I know it’s been a good while since you last heard from me. I got stuck in the hedonistic realm and let me tell you, once you’re in, it’s hard to get out. I’m back now due to a joint magical intervention from all my powerful friends. Anyways, the less said about that the better! Welcome to the miraculously magical memoire, The Diary of a Wizard. This week, unlike humans who like to swim with dolphins—I don’t really see the porpoise of that—Being a wizard, of course I like to take things one step further, so I’m going swimming with a massive whale. Wish me luck.
The Belly of a Whale: Day One
Today I’m heading off to the beach. I got invited by the King Gillian of the Merpeople to take my old friend, the kraken for a swim. You may remember them from week 2, check it out here if you missed it. I summoned my trusty magical steed, Billy, the oversized talking cockney mountain goat, and we headed off around noon. We should be at the beach by sundown.
We finally made it but not by sundown, we arrived at sungone. We would have been bang on time if I hadn’t been attacked by a group of horse-sized coconut crabs. I turned them into crab-sized river shrimps, but don’t worry they’ll turn back after we’re long gone. They learned a valuable lesson in wondrous wizard tanglery I can tell you.
Anyway, we had a fire and a bit of a party on the beach with the local goblin clan. I had a great time until they started rubbing sand nymph blood all over themselves and chanting to raise some goblin spirit. That sorta carry on, just ain’t my bag baby.
We’re going to crash under the moon, and I tell ya, I’m pretty excited to see my friends again in the morrow.
The Belly of a Whale: Day Two
Woke up bright and breezy, had some brekkie, knowing I’ll be destined to 3 square meals a day that consist only of sushi. I left Billy behind, created a magic bubble round my head and jumped in the drink. Archibald the narwhal helped me get down to The Land of Mer and the beautiful shell castle beneath the waves.
King Gillian greeted me, but within moments he and the queen started arguing about which sushi I preferred last time I was there. They could have just asked me.
I left them giving each other sarcastic compliments which always is a sign of escalation in my experience. “Wow! You’re so smart.” “Your memory is amazing.” sort of stuff. I bet ya 27 magic beans he sleeps on the sofa tonight.
Met up with the kraken and she hugged me so tight these sucker marks’ll last a week. We went round the kelp forest, played fetch with her friend the dogfish and had a picnic in the marine park. I got too much salty brine in my tuna though!
I was more pooped than a poisonous puffer fish panting from a proper pummelling from a peed off porpoise, so we went back to the castle. I would have won ya 27 magic beans, he was snoozing sleepily on the sofa. I had to be super quiet, so I didn’t wake him. Not that he’d be mad, but he wouldn’t stop chewing my ear off about his self-created marital problems. It is hard to convince a king that they are wrong.
I’ll catch 39 winks now.
The Belly of a Whale: Day Three
I woke up and King Gillian and I, decided to go turtle surfing for a few hours. The trouble I had is, I was within ear shot of him. He has got some problems with his wife, let me tell ya. Apparently, that morning’s drama had been, and I quote: “She said I never listen to her, and then she said some other stuff.” As a friend I just listened but steered clear of advising him. Relationships are not my strong suit, though there have been a couple of times I’ve made matches. Back in week 8 when I had to help Princess Petunia find a suiter, and week 30 where I was forced to help The Grand High Wizard, try and get a date.
We surfed through the morning and into the afternoon, then come evening, headed back for, you guessed it, sushi.
I’m warn out, so I’ll catch some winks early. There’s raised voices coming again from the king and queen’s quarters.
The Belly of a Whale: Day Four
When I awokened this morning, the king was already gone. The queen was sitting staring out the window at the kitchen table. She seemed pretty upset, so I thought I’d take her to find some shells to make some jewellery with. Maybe getting our craft on may cheer her up and I don’t mean witchcraft for once!
The only problem with that was, I was within ear shot of her and she took that opportunity to chew said ear off about the king. Apparently, and I quote: “He never does what I ask him too, and he’s just so bossy.” I mean I didn’t say it, but he is the king you know, and everyone does what he says, which kinda makes you bossy and not do what other people tell you to do.
We made some pretty jewellery and had sushi again. I went to nighnighs early to avoid the deathly silence and awkwardness.
The Belly of a Whale: Day Five
I woke up bright and breezy and headed out before dawn’s crack, to take the kraken for a swim. Before I left, I wrote a note for the king and queen, being somewhat concerned about their happiness. It read:
‘Dear King and Queen,
I took it upon myself to book you a weekend away upon the golden reef.
I hate to see my good friends so unhappy, and I know you honeymooned there.
Hopefully you will rediscover your love for each other and the next time I see you,
You’ll be happier than a couple of Larry’s.
The swim with a kraken went well until a huge shadow loomed upon me and in an instant everything went dark. It took me a few minutes to realise I’d been swallowed by a massive whale.
I sat for a while trying to figure a way out of this thing. I guess I should just sleep on it and work on it in the morrow.
The Belly of a Whale: Day Six
I slept really badly last night, well that’s gonna happen if I’m stuck in the belly of a whale, I guess. I tried some magical incantations to get free, using words so secret that if I was to write them here, I’d be turned into a hedgehog by The Grand High Wizard himself. It didn’t work. The problem I have see, is I left my staff and potions back at the castle.
Everything I tried all day was a bust so I’m gonna have to catch 29 winks now.
The Belly of a Whale: Day Seven
Okay, that’s that. Magic isn’t gonna work. I guess I’ll have to just let nature take its course and hopefully soon this thing’ll poop me out. On the bright side, if indeed there is one, it’ll give me some alone time to write some cool stories for you. I suppose the next time you hear from me, I’ll know what it’s really like to feel like literal poop!
I hope the king and queen sort out their problems. I’ll let you know what happens next week. Until then, it’s been legendary as always!
I hope your week is full of magical mayhem.
See ya next week friend!
Barry S. Brunswick is an Author and Best Selling Poet.
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